I wish I had some one to snuggle with while it rains. I amaze myself with the stupidy that I have when it comes to dating I fall to easy maybe I need to realize that god might have something else planned for me maybe he doesn't want me to fall in love people say that I will any way cause it's a desire of my heart but just because my heart wants it does it really mean it's what I'm going to get? I think maybe his plan might be different then what mine is.
So god here I am let me fall in live with you. This world doesn't have the love I'm looking for. Help me be content with your plan to first d your love not the make believe world stuf. Help me find you so I'm not alone. Help me believe love true love that what you intended this world toreally understand

What else?

I feel extremely broken. I want to get out of this town so bad. I dont really care if it seems like im running away. Im hurt by something petty. Im hurt by myself. Im hurt by life. And a huge part of me just wants to start over. My mom told me today that im an artist and i march to my own beat. I wanted to tell her how some times i wish i wasnt like that. I wish i could fit in and have people like me for who i am.
Im really struggling with the fact that so many people comment on what i look like. I dont wear enough make up or i need to wear a dress. those pants make me look fat. i need to lose weight, I need to learn how to style my hair differently. Can any one point out any more of my flaws? Im not a good manager i run away from things. i dont communicate very well. i mumble. What else? What else can you think of to bring me down just a little more? Why am i not good enough for you the way i am? Why do i have to do those things? Why cant you see ME for the person i am? There is so much about me that so many people just dont know. Ive come to terms that i dont fit in. I come to terms with so much that im different. But yet. it still bothers me it still gets to me. I still bugs me that so many people have so much to say about who i am and what i could be. I know you are trying to help me become better but have you ever thought about pointing out something then a negative thing? Have you ever taken the time to sit down and had a conversation with me about something other then your judgements about me? Im trying to be so strong. im trying to show that this shit doesnt bother me. its eating me away. i cant do it any more.

I feel like disprite to get married I look at every guy that walks through michaels I don't know why I care so much I do fine on my own and it's not like mr right is going to walk in and sweep me off my feet in one day. I really don't get or understand why I can't be okay with being content single? Why do I look for so much when really I'm okay? Why do I want it so bad? Is it that great? Or is it the idea of a wonderful love story are those really out there? People such As my grandpa who seem like he's so madly in love such a prince charming married to a woman who if had the chance would have kicked him to the curb a long time ago so really those of you who do read my blog is love for real or it something we humans have made up to be something so amaziing over time is it something we will never understand till we die or is it really out there do I have hope that my prince and his white hourse willcome save me and put to rest the rumors of real love ? Is it something I'm wasting my day dreams on? What is true love? Is it something we can only fathom or is it real.Is it real past the out stretched arms? Or did he take thath love with him to show us the glory of what is real when the time is right? At the moment love seems to good to be true it seems that we all long for the movie threater romance to end up with a human that makes mistakes and that the power of love that is explained to be something so great can simply be lost in matter of secounds? How do you define love? Is it really out there or am I just fooling myself with the thought of it ????

Hum
i dont really know how i feel about being called emo.
I know im emotional. But really?
I dont have many people to turn to.
I hope and pray that my friends will be there for me. Then there not im there. I struggle with that. ive learned to swallow alot. And tehre are times where i just freaking need some one to talk to. I go home alone i get up alone i really just want some one to understand that.
Im not emotional i just need to talk and to tell some one about my day. i need to feel like im a voice in this world being herd that im not drifting away.
I need to feel wanted cause i dont at work and my house cant really tell me it needs me. Thats all.

I cant really tell you how alone i feel and alomst out of place. I some times wish i could see wht God was wanting me to see out of that. I know there i reason to why im single. and why i am here in this moment. I really wish i could see what he is trying to tell me. Mainly because i fel content but i really wish i was at a different place in my life. I dunno its so hard to ezplain<
I sometimes dont get how people say i need to open up and when i do there not there.

Sigh.. i dunno.

Family

I had such an intense weekend with my family

So alot is going on! I am very super close with my family on both sides. I have a very dear relationship with my grandpa and grandma Thompson. My grandpa has been the biggest supporter and inspirations for me when it comes to art.

There kids have most recently talked them in to moving out of there 3 story house. Which i think is very good but durning this process i find it very hard to watch how mean the kids get (aka my mother and aunts and uncles)

I also find it very interesting how my grandparents are. i saw a side of them i have honestly never seen before. More so my grandma then my papa!
I found out that my grandma thought my grandpas mom ruined her life that she has told my mom and my aunt that she resented having them. i amazed by the family history. How depression as been spread down from each person on my grandma side. That she ran away from home to go to nursing school. Just a very non grandma like person came out in the wood works.
She wanted to divorce my Papa.
she never did anything fun with the kids.
She has MASSIVE self image issues

Kinda makes you understand a little bit about who you are. You understand that your built a certain way cause its been passed down.

I found my grandpas class ring! 1950! How amazing is that? I also found my Grandmas wedding ring. I went up to my grandpa and asked how he proposed and he started crying. Hes such an amazing kind hearted man! I still didnt find out how he did it. I do know that he was working in JC pennys when he met Grandma and he was dressing a display and grandma came up and asked how much is that doggie in the window. A little rude but cute in its own way. through it all you see how INSANELY in love my grandpa is with my grandma. I wish i saw the same for her.

shes so bitter about so much in life.
i once wrote her when i was little to ask her what she wanted to be when she grew up. And i got a bitter reply simply saying that girls back then didnt get to choose what they wanted. They where forced to be nurses or teachers. I was forced to become a nurse. So i guess my question to my grandma if i ever got the nerve to ask her is there are so many woman out there who went beyond being forced and did something better. If you wanted out so badly why didnt you? If you regret so much why didnt you fix it?
Why are you so mean? she has such an amazing life and such an awesome story to sit and listen to. Why do you regret having 5 amazing children?
Mom said she never once wanted to be like her. And i turned to my mom and told her that i should tell Grandma thank you then cause she is one HELL of a mom and i wouldnt trade her for anything. I am very close to my mom and im glad my mom never had that connection with hers.. cause i think it would be really different for us.

This made me think alot. Ive been up in the air so long about school and about my life and where its going. Do i want to be like grandma? Do i want to regret what i never went and did because the way the world works its just not ment to be instead of finding the challenge in it all and just step out of my box?
Im amazed at how little faith i have for my self. I have done alot of things on my own! I have taken many trips where ive known one to none people. I went and i jumped for it. So why is school something im so scared to do?
I shaved my head im not some one that sits inside the box.
Im some one that trys to turn the box in to a a diamond
WHY AM I HOLDING MYSELF BACK??
This after noon i came home and i sat down at the computer. I took a pretest for th ACT which i would have to get 5 points higher to get to the Grand Valley State. I sucked!~ But i found out that my main issue is math! Easy! i just need to study every night whn i get home. I know i will be tired but i need to stop sitting on top of the box wait for it to turn in to something i need to grab my brush and make it my own~

will ne deleting my blogspot

How Do you become confident?

So i went out to the bar the last couple of nights.. I love going out cause i really dont care. I go out and just let Go and be and dance and laugh.
But i have to say that was sorta surprised when a guy came up to me and told me he could tell i wasnt confident with myself. Me being me laughed and said YOU DONT KNOW ME and took a hug drink of my beer.
Im not. I suck at believing in my self. This has been something i struggle with Massively ever seen high school..cause thats where it started. In middle school i didnt care. I was funny and loud and cool cause i could draw.. then i went to high school and it changed. suddenly i realized the kid next to me could draw better or make some one else laugh more. I became REALLY insecure.or at least thats what i would like to think happened! I then went to work the next day and asked my best friend.. How do you become confident? " I dunno you just do" Really? is it that easy? I just wake up one day and all my insecurities are gone? I can not care about my weight or that im cross eyed? The things i massively worry about i can just be done with it? HA there is no way that something like that can happen over night. I get very frustrated with myself. Why cant i stay on the diet? why am i so shy to try new hair things? Why cant a wear something That isnt nasty tight but tighter then a baggy t-shirt? Maybe if i start slow?
So i tryed it. I was invited to go out once again with my cousins. This time they started at the Ale house. which i sorta know is where all the pretty people go. I got ready took my time to curl my hair and to do my make up. I put on my favorite high heels, and jeans and wore a tight shirt that showed me off. ( again not in a nasty way)
As i drove down there i was TOTALLY scared. I sat in my car for an hour trying to gt the nerve to walk in to that building. My cousin had to come out and get me tell me how nice i looked and tell me that i didnt need to go home and change. i then became SO mad at myself. If i a weird guy could see thru me how is a tighter shirt going to change how i feel? Did i get hit on? No did i get a number or a drink? No. it was the same as it always is when i go out. Im invisible. How do i find the happy medium of being confident? How do you even start with something like that? If i really lose weight will i be happy? Or will i find more things about myself that I TRULY cant stand? Im not saying i want to become a hooker and have boys drooling all over me. I simply want to walk in to a room where i feel confident and to have some one in return notice me. Im very mad at myself. Im frustrated. I want to move on with my life. It seems like so much holds me back. What do i have to do to break free what the chains of the this world holding me down? I guess im going to have to find the "how to become confident for dummies" book... eh.

Times Before I walked through the valley
Below the sun
Ive wandered endlessly and waited for
my time to come

I think im drowning
can some one lend a hand?
Can some one save me?
cause i dont think i can

Ive gone too far to turn around
its ahrd to reach for you
when im lying face dwon
i cant relieve my soul
im lost in a moment
lying face down

Returning home I find Myself
wishing i was readly gone
but how long does it take to find me
wll im waitinf for some one

I think im drowning
can some one lend a hand?
can some one save me?
Cause i dont think i can?

Ive gone too far to turn around
its hard to reach for you
when im lying fave down
i cant relieve my soul
im lost in a moment
lying facedown

Ive gone too far to turn around
its hard to reach for you
when im lying face down
i cant relieve my soul
im lost in amoment
lying
lying

Im gone to far to turn around
ive gone to far to turn around
in a moment
lying face down

why do you care? Im done

Dear You,

I find myself drifting apart from people once again. I sit here by myself on the 4th of july with no family and no friends. What is it about myself that pushes so many people away? I feel like this week a rather large knife was placed in my back. I want to view myself as caring person who is always there for other people. I want to be that person who some one can count on to talk to or to go get a PT. When i open this side of me up i am then hurt. I try to hold back i try not to care. A softer side of me is always coming out of the wood works.. im snatched and i break down. Before i know it im the one that is being stabbed. There for i push every one away I tell myself that i cant hurt myself i wont get back stabbed with just being me. This isnt how i want to live my life nor how i want to spend every holiday. I enjoy being alone to some peoples surprise. I like living alone. There is how ever a longing to fit in. A longing to have some one to want me to come. And i think i life lets me down this this great expectation,which then leads me to how the world works. How we all feel like we have to fit in how we have to find some one to be with. How Romance movies and novels places this HUGE idea of what is so great. I then want it this must make me happy. No. Not really. Why do we search so hard for something that really isnt worth it? Why do we always feel like we have to have some one so close by ALL THE TIME? So i guess why i am here writing you. I wanted to let you know that im listening. Im so tired of searching for something on this earth that will make me satisfied of running and pushing away people that will just hurt me. Im tired of waiting for some one who will invite me to do somethingso tired of waiting. I know ive said this before. But after the week i just had its hits me like a ten pound weight with the understanding of missunderstanding of this world. Im done. im done trying to impress all those people who want nothing to do with me. Im done looking for friends who will hang out with me for a short while then dump me as soon as something better comes along. Im done. Im done looking for something that isnt you.
I will always love you