why do you care? Im done

Dear You,

I find myself drifting apart from people once again. I sit here by myself on the 4th of july with no family and no friends. What is it about myself that pushes so many people away? I feel like this week a rather large knife was placed in my back. I want to view myself as caring person who is always there for other people. I want to be that person who some one can count on to talk to or to go get a PT. When i open this side of me up i am then hurt. I try to hold back i try not to care. A softer side of me is always coming out of the wood works.. im snatched and i break down. Before i know it im the one that is being stabbed. There for i push every one away I tell myself that i cant hurt myself i wont get back stabbed with just being me. This isnt how i want to live my life nor how i want to spend every holiday. I enjoy being alone to some peoples surprise. I like living alone. There is how ever a longing to fit in. A longing to have some one to want me to come. And i think i life lets me down this this great expectation,which then leads me to how the world works. How we all feel like we have to fit in how we have to find some one to be with. How Romance movies and novels places this HUGE idea of what is so great. I then want it this must make me happy. No. Not really. Why do we search so hard for something that really isnt worth it? Why do we always feel like we have to have some one so close by ALL THE TIME? So i guess why i am here writing you. I wanted to let you know that im listening. Im so tired of searching for something on this earth that will make me satisfied of running and pushing away people that will just hurt me. Im tired of waiting for some one who will invite me to do somethingso tired of waiting. I know ive said this before. But after the week i just had its hits me like a ten pound weight with the understanding of missunderstanding of this world. Im done. im done trying to impress all those people who want nothing to do with me. Im done looking for friends who will hang out with me for a short while then dump me as soon as something better comes along. Im done. Im done looking for something that isnt you.
I will always love you