Well I don't think I can stay away from blogging at the moment. Things are to crazy with family and hardly no one to turn too. Or those who are there have things weighing on them and you don't want to add to the weight.
Pretty much my brother cheated on my sister n law. It hurts much deeper then I will lead on with my parents or any one else. My sister in law in an amazing person kind heart goes out of her way to help you. Loves seeing you and when you do see her she makes you feel like she wants you there and she cares so much about you. In many peoples minds they thought they where a perfect couple. Every one is human and I completely understand that.. I don't think im so mad with the fact he cheated.. its how he handled it. Its how he is handling it. He goes from high to low daily. Hes in a good space hes in a bad space. He misses my sister in law to he loves her but not in love with her... ( I dunno what that means) It feels like he toys with all emotions with every one involved. Most of all hes running from it all. Like its completely his cross to carry and in many ways he does have to carry it but he needs to see that people are going to be there for him. That old friends are hurt by what he did but in the end want to help him. That he doesnt have to feel like hes in it alone.
I have other views as well. I feel like he insanely selfish. He will do things that just benefit him. I feel like this is hardly an issue of him cheating but an issues I have always swallowed being his little sister. I cant figure out if im being jealous or really this is how much I struggle with who he is.. I am out going I spend time alone, I volunteer and help out. My dream job involves leaving every materiel object I have and going and helping some one out. He could and would never do that. Yet he is so hateful for what he has. Clean drinking water to a laptop. I have strong feelings that when I'm having a bad day that this day would be what some one would die for. Ive lost very close friends to me and Ive lost the love of my life. My brother has never lost a close friend.. and we both have been extremely lucky to have never lost a family member due to something tragic. We both live an amazing life. With amazing people in it. Yet. My brother doesnt can wont see it.
He thinks I hate him.. and in all honesty some times I do. I love him but we are so different and he refuses to see my side. He refuses to understand that I work my ass off daily and some times I dont want to fight or be picked on. I just want to sit. He things im blind to how people feel or that I just dont know whats going on with people. Most the time I know twice as much as he does and I have every right to express how I feel. I think the thing that hurts me the most out of all of this is that we are different we have never gotten along and yet.. he feels like he knows me and thinks I would react a certain way when people say something to me. He doesnt know me at all cause he never makes the effort. He assumes. I hate that. I hate that he tried to get closer with me right when he started cheating. I feel like he never wanted to get close to me. He used me to have a reason to go do stuff. I hate that his actions rub off on to his son and his son treats me the same way. He never wants to hug me and he treats me like crap because his dad does right in front of him. I feel like my family is falling apart because we are all walking around the huge elephant in the room. My parents are struggling and are completely tired of wondering if hes in a good mood or bad when he wakes up. Some times I really wish I had the right thing to say or do in this. I dont Im just mad. Its to the point where I hate having family events because it drains me. Im tired of answering peoples questions about it. Or dealing with people who are friends between all three of us asking why he wont write back.. "Im sorry My brother is a jerk and I have no control over who he does and doesnt talk too. sorry" Im just done. But its still there. I dont know how to balance this in my world I work a crazy amount with school and volunteer work and my own friends and being there for them and then his heavy crap of my family.
To say the least this whole thing makes me want to get as far away as I can. I wont have to choose sides or hang out with one or the other. I wont have to hear all the crap. I wont be hurt when I get forgotten because my parents are trying to appease my brother. I cant tell you how badly I just want to run from it all. I know i just complained about my brother doing it but this is his issue. I dont want to be dragged in the middle of it any more. I dont want to see how Steph is hurting. I dont want to see how my parents and every one else is hurting.. I just want to go and be away.
I guess its a sign that I need a vacation. I just need to go alone some where and sit. I still would have to come back. EH I just needed.. to get it out in away. I just needed something some one to know its there that I am not okay with it. That im struggling. That I love him but I dont want to at the moment. Im tired of his shit.
Thats all. Time to start another day.
